It occurred to me recently that the many times I wrote about what love is and is not in the past, I had no idea. I am only truly learning about it today, in solitude.
When you are in a relationship- and I mean DEEP in invested- you think that is all there is to love. As good and true as it gets. Although you may question yourself at points. But it is all you know… and you think “It is better than having nobody after all?” You repeat he/she is your “soulmate” “my other half”,… bla bla bla. All crap we rehearse in our minds because we are romantics in nature. You get so consumed and lost in another, they become your “everything” and “world,” even when you previously promised yourself no one would be the foundation to your joy and certainly not your existence. No one would steal the companionship you have gained with yourself.
But it is okay, we are human. We are born seeking and needing others, even if only to learn about and/or escape ourselves. If only to reach an illusion of “complete”.
We also flourish among the right people, just as equally as we diminish among the wrong. And love does not always mean who or what is right or good for us.
You then get stuck in comfort of another knowing and accepting you more than you have accepted and possibly loved yourself. And/or the mere fact there is some to turn to and go home to who puts up with you at our worst and best; sees you in all your states. A pair of arms to hold you tight. A hard dick to fuck you well*. Pleasure and pain you know. Most of us probably only like it because we know it.
We stay in anything to avoid the unknown and fear of being alone, fear of facing the “What if’s.”
What if there is no one better? What if I don’t love the same again? What if I will not meet someone who accepted every inch of me inside out, past and future like he/she has? What if this is not the worse it could get? What if what if.. and so instead, we stay. And this codependent love is anything but healthy.
Add kids to that equation, and you really begin to think there is nothing to life but your partner and what you have together.
The more you invest and share, the deeper you dive in with no return. The more you give, the more naturally you stay waiting for some sort of compensation… in most cases of years you will never get back. The years add up fast, be it we are alone or not.
I am not saying that you do not have love, you would know better. I admire nothing more than meeting couples that RISE together in a healthy love over the years, but it is extremely rare. I watch people shrink together, not grow and rise up. This is not what this post is about anyways. My message really starts from here:-
What I want to say is what I know for fact:
If you truly want to learn about love, learn it alone. Don’t seek it through another, nor in comfort. Authentic love reveals once you endure the weight of fear and trespass it in vulnerability, ALONE. It is ugly at first, till you discover and befriend your world within.
If you look for it in another, you will not find it; that is what they tell you growing up… seek it and that is exactly why you will not find it. “It comes when you least expect it.” Pffft.
Let me tell you, even if you DO NOT look for it and stay self-focused (yet, hoping deep down without full-conscious, that another would find you), it still will NOT find you.
But pardon me, I kind of asked for this…
I prayed for my own healing.
For being capable to forgive like the Divine.
I said “Yes” to growth.
I broke myself open to my own rebirth.
I gained strength and empowered myself.
I trained myself to thrive alone. To not need anyone.
I created myself from ashes and screamed, “Hell yes, I will risk it ALL”.
A few months ago, I thought… “Damn. I have hit a wall, in solace. I did this to myself. You work so hard on your self-improvement and love, only to find yourself alone and uncertain.”
The hardest aspect of this journey for me was letting the parts of me, others, and the deep bonds created that I’ll never have again, just die. I chose they die and chose my rebirth over them. I’ve long acknowledged all I have left behind and reached a peace with parts of myself that I gave away. But above all, what I have gained is MYSELF, which is much more than I can put in words.
Stop looking for it.
Stop waiting for it.
Stop hoping for it.
Now let go of it, and what is left over…that is love.
The only real lasting loves in this life are two: that which is Divine and you find in a Source greater than all beings and beyond worldly desires.
Secondly and more importantly, it’s realizing that you ARE love.
Love is no more than a practice. Love is what you are made of. Love is God.
Choose to see a loving intent behind everything that happens to you- good and bad- and if you practice this every day, soon love will become your essence. You will not shrink, no matter what life brings you or how deeply it cracks you. Like the saying goes, life continuously happens FOR you, not to you. Everything is a scared blessing that is happening for your benefit, even your greatest of losses and sorrows. There are no mistakes. No tragedies. No “should have been”. No “why me”.
It is time to let go, and let love. Create your fairy tale, for you are whole. Realize it and feel it with all your being:
You. Are. Whole.
Plus, how can you think you are alone when a entire universe, and God, lie within you? No such thing as being alone as a human being in this world.
I leave you with a favorite passage of mine from a book I adore:
“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away…and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast. Be happy about your growth, in which of course you cannot take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and do not torment them with your doubts and do not frighten them with your faith or joy, which they would not be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which does not necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust. And do not expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
Note: *Sex is one thing many underestimate. It is a powerful veil that will cloud your judgment and reality. Like a starved addict always wanting more, you will stay webbed in another assured that even abuse could be “love”. Or others that get used to simply going through the motions,… and why leave the one that’s synced with your body so well? It is always easier to sell your heart and soul and just be an animal.