I have always said that love should be unconditional. However, when it comes to a romantic love and a marriage- it should be CONDITIONAL.
It can be unconditional in the sense of accepting your partners flaws (physical and character ones), past, secrets, small mistakes, etc.- so that you are able to love them completely for all they are, but not unjust actions that would ruin YOU.
Thanks to my failed relationships in the past and witnessing that of others or those that have complained to me about their own realities of settling, I’ve learned what I do not want and can never accept. I have really fostered my self-love, respect, and esteem and thus, have my own personal boundaries. I am going to think of a few to share with you that would go under terms of conditions I would implement with my significant other, for they are my mean of keeping my SELF loved, happy, secure, healthy, and sane.
I love you, but I do not accept the following below and if they come to happen I would quit the relationship (for many reasons, primarily because I love myself and deserve not only better but the best)..
1. Cheating- I never can and never will accept it. Be it on any level; emotional, physical or both. Especially when I’m sure I will be the best woman and partner I can be. And do not get me wrong, I would forgive him, yes, but I would move on to the better instead of sit on broken glass and wound myself putting back pieces, especially when in most cases I see the women do this alone!
2. Continually repeating behavior that is inconsiderate and/or making excuses. Links to breaking trust as mentioned in number one. Once the trust is gone, you got nothing unless you’re busy living in denial.
3. Unrequited feelings. I go into relationships and stay due to love. To love with my all, purely, and wholly. I expect the same in return, without me having to ask or put a major effort. If feelings are gone, we talk it through, see if we can work at it, and if it’s not happening then along I go with the feelings. I am not saying that you should feel in love every day, not at all. But it should not be a battle to feel connected to your partner.
On a similar note, I know so many wives that stay with their husbands knowing they love another other than them! Now that is NOWAY. I would never stay in relationship where I need to question the existence of his love and play detective. If you doubt it, then it is most likely NOT there. Men that love you leave you no room to doubt. Heck, they would brag about you as their queen all day- not be repulsed at your mentioning and escape your existence in mind when present around you! Also, do not believe this crap about a man loves two. If he loved another after you, then sure he did not and will not love you- at least not truly.
I will be keen to make it clear with my partner: If ever we grow separately at heart and mind, then he should let me know and I shall respect that and let him be free and happy following his heart as I follow mine. Certainly my heart will not cling to a man that does not love, honor, and respect it.
4. Not doing his role in the relationship, everything has to be 50/50. On some days yes, one can put efforts more than the other, but not every day. Things cannot be one-sided. I would want to be with a man that is willing to make things work and has the character, passion, and discipline. A man that is a passionate believer like I am.
5. A lack of emotional intimacy. If my man will not come home looking forward to me every day and opening up and on his own I’d drift away, so does my love, and thus my need to be in that relationship. For me emotional intimacy goes first. I need to feel I am at one with my partner and that we are mind, heart, and soul naked. Only then will my body follow. So being best of friends should be one of our foundational bricks.
6. A man that is trying to change me into an ideal he has or because he is domineering. I do not expect to ever sacrifice who I am, my emotional and physical needs, my happiness, my health, my friends, the way I dress, my choice of lifestyle, etc. for no man. If he does not take me as I am, then he shall watch me as I go!
7. A man that is so busy working he forgets he has a wife and marriage and/or makes our relationship only about the kids and extended families and in-laws. I expect my partner to be my best of friend, companion, and lover all in one. He would not drown himself in a job every day when he knows how short life is and that he has got his other half at home waiting, he would put me as his priority. Trust me when I tell you ,men that love their wives would make the time for them and not care for work!
As for using others as our mean to stay connected in the marriage, like children and family members, it’ll be us two primarily: we are one family. We would constantly crave time alone together.
8. Failure of communication. I refuse to be with someone who listens just to answer not to understand and is willing to accept our differences, and even love me more for the challenges and wild ride I give him to growth.
9. Using anger as an excuse to disrespectful words and/or actions.
10. A husband that will not date me, play with me, go on adventures, and just be my best of companion.
11. A husband that will no please me for long prior to love-making (foreplay anyone?) With missing and passion, and because he desires to not because he should.
12. A partner that avoids arguing and fights and instead, is silent. Silence is abuse. I would rather fight with the right voice tone, timing, and intentions of willing to listen, understand, solve and/or accept than not fight at all. Fighting shows passion and care. When someone is so silent they do not even care to fight about anything, it goes to show you how there is nothing left to save when it comes to you and what you share. They are long dead, and sorry to say, have probably long fallen out of love with you. Silence is the last death in relationships and marriages!
13. A husband that is not affectionate and that would not express his love and gratitude for me daily in words or simply gestures such as hugs and kisses as I intend to be. Also, dear women, a man that loves you would ask to cuddle on his own and for hours! They like the emotional affection too if there is love for you!
14. A man who’s word’s do not match his actions. Period.
15. A man who will not keep our intimate moments and even struggles between us, they should not even go to his parents or friends.
16. A man who neglects himself, his rights, well-being/health, needs, and happiness. Not attractive to me at all. If he cannot take care of himself and does not put himself first, he can only treat me as he treats himself! He sure will not take care of what we got. He needs to be responsible for himself and his needs first. If he thinks he is undeserving of love and/or happiness then he is undeserving of me! For he cannot share with me what he does not own towards himself or sees he deserves.
17. A relationship that is too hard to keep together. Honestly, yes it will take some efforts here and there. But not daily on-going acrobatic maneuvers! When a relationship seems so hard and takes a lot of work and “fixing” that is usually a sign it should NOT be and you are with a wrong person. Having true love between two, turns work into none! Nothing feels like sacrifice or hard work when you got true love. And don’t believe what others say about love dying with time or kids or so on; all these are false myths. With the right person your love only grows with time, hardships, and all else. You only make children out of love; not just because you should, or you want to chain your partner, or need a mediator/link/entertainment in an emotionally distant home.
18. A man that runs away when I am at my worst and avoids conversing during the hard times. He needs to be present, in mind, heart, soul and body and be my backbone during tribulations.
19. A man who is possessive and overly jealous; that clings and does not know how to let go.
20. A man who repeats his own family’s chain and doesn’t know himself best. One who lets others define him and would go against his values just to please others.
21. A man who does not have healthy boundaries in relationships.
22. Finally, I need a man who not only brings out my best but has to inspire, challenge, and grow with me. Otherwise, no need for a relationship. I would rather love those that do me no good whom the heart chooses without rationality from afar instead. Not because you love someone, then they are good for you! It is sad that so many die after marriage and escape their union through outside sources, people, and/or children. The whole point of being in a relationship is to grow as an individual and together as one entity, and to the better- certainly not worse!
It’s extremely unhealthy to stay with a partner that mistreats you, brings out your worst, or you’re emotionally distant from- for everyone involved. Be it parents or children.
Save unconditional loving for your children only and those that would not manipulate and continue to abuse your heart’s capacity to forgive!