For I Cannot Be With She…

I wished for days and years I’d have her
I fought to have her, in the name of a love I could not control

I was willing to lose it all
To win her was to win myself back
It is to live by my truth and heart
And having her would equate to having heaven on this unjust earth

I raged in jealousy seeing any man near her
I thought of ways I could force her to belong to me,
Maybe bind her by a child one way or another

I wished She’d belong to me
I wished She’d be for my lifetime just as She is to me
I wished She’d be the one I rise up to every morning,
And to rest by her side as I hold her strongly every night
I wished She was the mother of my children
The eternal companion She truly is within

But then reality strikes me
I cannot be with She

I thought I could teach myself to desire her less
But all I achieved was wanting her more
I could only die inside

Each second of my every day, She was and still is all I crave and need
Lying trying to sleep or awake trying to survive and go about my days

I can only survive you see, and never feel alive
Without her that is impossible

My days are dead routines,
Flooded in responsibilities of others,
In which I can only distract myself from my own heart and forget my needs in life,
I roam watching life pass me by
In a city that only She has brought to life when she was by my side

My smiles are hardly ever genuine,
Surely not as powerful as the ones she caused me
My heart beats slowly and painfully
My appetites gone
My senses faded
I am back to the lethal silence I lived in before her

I do not look for happiness
I do not care for me
For that I have long given on up

I do not need to look even
Happiness lies where my heart belongs,
With whom it belongs
And I cannot care for me

If I were to look within,
The answer will always be She
And the battle would begin
For I cannot be with She

My heart knows her best
And if it were up to me, I’d long have her in my arms infinitely

For She is the air I breathe
She is the coherent rhythm to my heart beats

My mind can only wander off to her each second daily
With my every breath, every part of me longs for her in missing
My spirit will always be her eternal mate
My senses can solely see, hear, smell, and feel her in my every day life

Without her in my life,
My heart is shut,
My soul is torn,
My mind is consumed,
And my lips forever remain sealed

Still I cannot be with She
I can only survive having sacrificed me

Oh how I live a lonely life
In sadness

And know this was not my choice to love her
Why would I make my heart suffer so much knowing I can’t have her?
Yet I still can only love her to my nagging bones, bare soul and passionate madness

I knew not I was capable of such love for another
I have observed myself in shock as I walk streets and streets in insanity yearning for her to be near

She’s got my heart reserved, without choice, and forever and after

To say She’s unique, special, pure, ..
Is beyond an understatement
Only my heart can articulate her magnificence,
And my heart cannot speak

Maybe if it did,
Only then you would all believe,
The power of such a love

Maybe then She’d believe my words

The heart is one’s only truth I tell you
You cannot change or force it
It belongs to whom it does
And it has a memory of the beloved stronger than any other
A memory that I know mine will never get over

She’ll forever live in me
For She is the biggest part of who I am,
She’s my shining star in the darkness
As she’ll always be

My heart can only ache in agony without her by my side
But even out of my life She still draws a smile upon my heart and face
For memories of her and moments of us keep me alive,
She always transformed any simple moment to an extraordinary phenomena

There are hands I’ve held,
And bodies that have slipped under mine before hers,
But they left no effect or memory-
Unlike her, She’s carved in me deeply and permanently

For She’s shown me my best days, not only as an outer experience but inner too
She’s shown me what I had no idea existed or I deserved
And taught me what matters in life;
How to love with my all,
To finally be able to express,
What my soul is made of,
How to genuinely laugh from my heart,
How to do myself and so others good,
And even to be a good man and parent, “with or without her” She’d say

She’s lead and revealed my own goodness that I did not see without her
She’s taught me how to face my truth,
How to run like a free child with her by my side,
Yet fully be my masculine self

We’d fall, laugh, and get right back up and fly higher as one
We were complete
Oh how I yearn for you my other half!

Her eyes are my map of love,
Her soul is forever my truest best friend,
With her, family and home had a whole other meaning

Finally, She brought me to my knees in tears,
Insisting to teach me how to let go
Yet what She fails to grasp is,
I may have let her go in the physical world, but never can I let her go within
I do not even know how to

What matters in not only this life but also after,
What is true and lasts,
Is what lies within you, and not outside of you
The life you lead in this reality of life that can be oh so unfair, cruel, and miserable,
It can be anything but your truth and where you belong
It can be anything but your heart and soul’s one desire
For I cannot be with She

She’s shown me the best parts of me
And She only ever lifted me higher,
Even if it meant She’ll hurt in return

She is as giving and selfless as can be
And let me tell you out-of-her-mind crazy indeed
But in a way I could only love her more,
If that was even humanly possible

And in her remembrance I can only be grateful
That I got to meet my other half on earth
And that I had She as my guardian angel
Even if not forever

Love my life She will always be
Even if I cannot be with She

Her love has saved me from life
Loving her was and will always remain the greatest part of it

Love of my life,
I love loving you
It’s the only thing my heart knows to do
You’re the beaming light that eradicated through the prison cells I live in

Love of my life,
Till my last breath you will be the one I remember,
Not just with my mind and body
But above all with my whole heart and soul

Love of my life,
How I wish I could have given you my all
Even that would’t have been enough,
You deserve more than I could have ever given you
You’re the queen of my heart,
The calling to my soul,
And the emperor of my mind

If only I was strong
If only I was free
If only I could embrace and follow my heart
If only I could be
If only I was true to me
How my heart would be at peace
And happiness would be second nature to me


But for now and only in this world,
I cannot be with She
In the world after, you shall see
My floating spirit shall fly to you with my then silent heart as it’s navigation
You are my one and only home within
In a life after you will see,
That we have always belonged in real

“There were thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit. There were grief and the ruins, and you were the miracle.”


Note: I do not take credit for the majority of the words and expressions written, for they were not my utterances.

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