This post is the first part of three that I shall be posting by end of this week, the main focus will be on beauty, the myths pertaining to beauty, the issues and insecurities women experience, and then hopefully, I can challenge notions and offer a redefinition.
I believe beauty and the body-image issues women have today are absolutely intertwined. This topic is one of history; encompassing years of oppression and linear thinking. It is also generally a complicated subject to simplify. I have found the need to write this due to my love for women. They are the creators of life and generations, but unfortunately, many underestimate themselves and their powers as females.
The definition of beauty stemmed long ago from mixed sources; starting from our early school years, to our upbringing (particularly our relation with our mother figure), the ongoing exposure to media or shall I say exploitation of women through it, and society’s ideals’.
Many women believe that defining beauty came through patriarchy, which actively exercises control over women’s body-image and mobility. Considering the world is mostly dominated by the male gender, patriarchy would denote it is men that came up with these myths. Beauty is stereotypical, it is not so much about a fixed definition but what is “worthy and desired” and by who? The opposite sex. We all know the pressure is the highest when it comes to women “staying young” and keeping up an image. Whatever the reason maybe, one must realize that beauty is not a fixed number, it is a mere opinion and preference that is subject to personal ideals, geographical space, and cultures.
You as a woman get to choose to validate your looks according to those opinion, when you could be freeing yourself from them and redefining beauty in a context that would serve you.
Getting Along With Fellow Women
Personally, till today I do not get along easily with women, if any. Why? It is for the same reason I have always preferred males as friends. Simply because they are so insecure that they feel the need to project their insecurities out on other women, they are dramatic, crave unnecessary attention, compare their bodies, partners, marriages, and lives to others constantly, and more often than not walk around in jealousy, envy, and spite towards their own sisters even. The majority are not emotionally mature and feel incomplete. They define their worth- or more like lack of it- to their man or superficial matters and “successes”. I am continually meeting women that want to be another other than herself. I can go on and on, of course I am talking generally but also, the majority. The reason men rule the world and women do not is because men have mastered brotherhood and hardly experience the jealousy women do towards one another. Or even when men are competitive professionally, they never take things to a personal level.
I believe the prime reason adult women continue to suffer from low self-esteem lies in the fact they get into marriages too early be it to escape themselves, their fears, and/or “loneliness”. Plus, many have babies hoping it would lead them to their own self-fulfillment. This is where the major wreckage takes place; in their children, particularly their daughters.
The Myths Young Girls Are Told
Growing up I recall many things women in my life told me, including my own mother. I observed other women among each other and their daughters. Let me first share with you some common myths worldwide that women are told and pass on then some of the many brainwashing crap that sticks in a girl’s subconscious thanks to her mother as she grows up (my commentaries right after the quotations).
“Your thighs touch! That’s not sexy!”
That’s definitely a lie women tell one another, most men love healthy thighs that mostly likely accompany hips they can grab on!
“Your boobs are too big, you need reduction.”
“Your boobs are too small.”
“Your boobs aren’t perky enough.”
That’s the thing, when you lack self-esteem you find flaws in not just yourself but others. And it’s all you’ll see; one flaw after the next. Let me tell you, men with boob-crazes have mummy-issues. It’s not normal for a grown man to want to suck on a grown woman’s tits and lie on them like a pillow throughout his days!
“Men only like blonde ‘bombshells’.”
Not at all, only idiots care for hair color. Although the majority of the men I’ve asked are attracted to brunettes mainly and think “blonde” is cheap- it’s true for the most part since today you can hardly find a natural blonde. Either or, if your man chooses you according to your hair color and the chemical dye you use to stand out- your relationship is on a very weak foundation; hair is dead after all lol!
“You need to put makeup and wear heels when you’re a lady or else men won’t want you!”
Most men, if not the great majority, HATE makeup. They don’t want to be shocked when you move in and/or marry them. You can’t wear a mask every second of your lifetime!
“You’re too skinny, real women should have curves; a plumped butt and perky full boobs.”
Well it did occur to women that some “real” women are naturally that thin and can’t help it? Women come in many shapes and sizes.
I have also heard a lot of shocking comments as such:
“Suck that tummy in, that disgusting belly of yours!” – said many mothers to their little girls.
You know, kids growing up have baby fat! Seems most mothers forgot that. It’s not ironic that one of the kids that I heard her mum tell her that came to tell me a few months later, “You’re so skinny, you have a much better body than mums! Your stomach is so flat.” Her idea of the best body became a flatter stomach.
“You’re fat! Stop eating!” A mother would scream at her 9 year old girl.
Let me say, a mother that is underweight, starves herself, and wears clothes from children’s sections.
“I’m not drop dead gorgeous I’m okay-good-looking, it’s weird you came out really better looking.”
Yep. It was said. Some mothers get envious from their own daughters “visual blessings”.
“Oh but you can’t be with a man younger than you, women age faster! He’ll cheat when the years pass. You need to be the younger more beautiful one.” Every woman tells me this.
Women put the pressures on themselves and other women to always look young. Not just that but “perfect” aka have not one stretch mark or wrinkle, like that’s even humanly possible going through life!
“I had many babies, that’s why my tummy is like this. And no I don’t want to eat healthy and workout. I don’t want to lift weights. I’m too old now. I’ll just get a tummy tuck.”
That’s the biggest problem with most women: laziness and excuses. Even their kids are used as excuses to why they neglect themselves. So many women just want the easy way out, they’d rather go under anesthesia, risk death, and get cut up and wake up to their “dream body” than actually work their butts off for their ideal body- more like an ideal others have set to please what they think is a males desire.
“See, she did her lips, she peeled her wrinkles off, she’d botox’ed her face, she’s enhanced her butt with some implants,.. oh and her she’s done her breasts 4 times! It’s normal, a woman needs to be beautiful.”
The constant need for comparison: if she did this I’ll do it, and using others to justify why they keep changing their bodies and still can’t accept it. Obsession about one’s looks just takes a lot of time and what so many do to “enhance” their looks just wastes away money and effort that could all be better spent elsewhere.
“You’re lucky you have big lips and eyes naturally! You don’t need makeup… although you’d be a perfect client for makeup!”
Makeup? It’s fake. It’s chemicals. It’s clogging your pores. It’s aging you faster! The only makeup I was guilty of of putting on before is concealer or some blush whenever I looked tired and did not rest well. Then I wondered, why am I trying to mask my actual state? Why am I trying to look all uplifted and colorful when I’m worn out? It’s been two years I’m free of this pressure to always look happy and glowing. I let my energy and emotions color my face instead. And I rest better!
“You’re hair is so soft and beautiful. I’d never cut it if I were you- the hair is a woman’s crown after all! It’s a true symbol to beauty.”
It’s very sad, even their hair they do not accept. I’ve heard of and seen many women that drown their hair in chemicals to have it straightened and call that “natural”. Or others that suddenly became “natural blondes”. Or let’s move on to skin color even, it’s insane the amount of women in the Middle East and Asia that are constantly applying products and injecting serums to “be white”- meanwhile those that are “white” which they could tan! Funny how life goes. It seems many just want what they are not in image!
“A man even if he’s ugly, fat, and sometimes even without money can get any young chic he wants. It’s the women that need to look good always, if you don’t put makeup, wear heels, and dress up no man will want you!”
On a similar note, “You’re waiting for the right person forgetting that your age keeps getting higher. No one will want you in a few years.”
Does it occur to women that it’s not the man that’s such a charmer but the fact these young ladies and women that allow themselves to settle as such lack self-esteem, respect, and love to allow themselves to be manipulated and used by these men? Many of which are married? Does it occur to women that these “other women” are in such affairs and half-time relationships cause of issues they’ve had growing up? Be it their father not being present or how their mother was?
“You can’t have babies at 30s, that’s waiting too long. You are your ovaries. Menopause is the worst thing ever, once you no longer get your period you’re no use to a man.”
So women that weren’t given the blessing of being capable to have babies have no worth and shouldn’t be loved? Seriously?
“Just stay married even if you’re unhappy, a divorced man will find a million wives- but you as a woman, you’re already used and young.”
Even if men make up these unworthy believes, us as women, we should not conform to them! We should get out there and redefine what is beauty and find love again and again and again, starting with towards oneself.
These are all very few examples of the millions I recall.
All these are myths that we would feed one another as women that are sheer lies, and we make them real by continually passing them on and convincing young girls and ladies still growing up such fallacies!
Let us continue onto this last one and let this post unravel from there on.
“But I see mummy put on makeup and bright lipstick and do her hair, I just want to be like her.”
“If mummy thinks I am not as beautiful as my classmate than I am not. I am ugly.”
Girls mimic their mother’s blindly and if their mother is on her quest to be beautiful, she shall have an equal pursuit from an early age. If her mother only considers herself beautiful when adorned with her hair done and makeup on, they shall request to have the same done to them to validate feeling beautiful.
In the modern world of today, you find girls playing with nail polish, semi-permanent hair dyes, and lipstick- meanwhile, when I was their age I was hopping around in playgrounds, skateboarding, or swimming! My obsessions were motorcycles, horses, surfing, and doing any extreme sport or activity in nature really. Girls of today seem to be entirely different thanks to media taking over. When one does not get consumed in the superficiality of others and media, and instead gets out, lives and gets in action they are more likely to love their bodies mainly because they are busy enjoying experiences and sense primarily through it. They become grateful for what their body can do; they focus on how they feel, and that affects how they look and not the other way around.
Moreover, many girls grow up with mothers doing the opposite of installing their self love and healthy beauty ideals in them. So they search for that validation elsewhere. That’s so easy to do today when we are all bombarded by millions of ads of sexually exploited women on many mediums. Girls not only begin to conclude how they “should” look, but they begin to define one “image” to what is “beautiful” and desired. Your skin needs to be flawless, clear, and glowing. You should not have cellulite. Your thighs cannot touch. Your hair needs to be straight and long. Your waist needs to be tiny and your boobs big. You need to have a nice behind. Your stomach has to be flat. Your lips big. Your boobs perky. You eyes big. Your cheekbones prominent…it goes on and on.
Mother’s need to be very conscious about their influence on their kids, especially daughters. They need to be conscious of what they tell them and do not tell them. They need to be conscious of the diet and lifestyles they lead. I urge all mothers to have open conversation with their children on beauty and challenge the set ideals by media, the modeling industry, schooling, and other sources. If the body-image issue is not tackled early on you risk your child going through eating disorders, suffering from low self-esteem, and even going through bullying.
Children need to be told they are beautiful growing up without having to hear details of what a “female should look like,” or “what men prefer,” or “what is beautiful”. They have to be taught there are many kinds of beauty. They need to learn of their inner energy, behaving kindly, being intelligent, honoring themselves, and preached about self-acceptance and love. More importantly see your kids, especially daughters as the beautiful “perfect” girls they are and reflect that back to them in practice, primarily through how you treat yourself and not just them!
You have a choice in how you perceive beauty and getting older. You have the impact on changing your daughters, sons, and other people’s views on true beauty and the aging process. Start with you. Instead of wasting away time and money on beauty, why not give to something that is not detrimental to oneself and society like challenging notions of what true beauty is and reeducate others one at a time.
The next coming post will be on my interactions with women, what I have found and the scenario of a partner cheating on his woman how that affects her. Because again, women tend to take the actions of their men as a definition to who they are, further emphasizing they “lack” something another women had, and denoting they have failed as women.
Finally, one I have written a few years ago on what is true beauty– I would advise everyone to read this above all else- it’s short and to the point.