Let’s Talk Marriage..

Note: before you think this is all a critical piece on why  am rejecting marriage.. some handy advice is at the end. I never write without giving advice- even if it is criticism, it must be constructive.

Whenever I am questioned why I am refusing “guys that love me” and insisting to stay single I only ever have three things to say: Firstly, I have not met the right man, one I would NEED in my life. Two, I have very high ideals on love and a relationship/marriage- as in I know precisely what I want and what I do NOT thanks to the many marriages witnessed today. Thirdly, like mentioned in many other posts, I don’t just want to be loved, I want to love. I I I!!! It is unfair to go for a man that would love me and give me more of himself than what I am capable of giving him of myself. Only insecure women do that, seek a love that outweighs what they can offer.

If I go into a relationship at my maturity level and age it will be with a purpose. I will take it day by day but I would not go on a ship that will not sail to nowhere. It is my philosophy on all in life, I need to envision long-term and consequences before getting into anything. So yes, I would assume I would want one to reach marriage even if it would take long, so I will talk on those terms. Although, if you come tell me you want to marry me from the start, I run in fear lol. I seek a character of certain qualities and sincere intentions that are aligned with my own, that I can grow with into a love that would be a blessing for us both to share for a lifetime, that definitely cannot happen very quickly.

Why single?

I do not want a marriage just because “it is time,” marriage is not about the right timing there is no such thing. It is about the right PERSON that may take another decade to find.

I do not want a marriage that is built on a deluded love that is merely an unhealthy attachment be it due to getting physical with someone or living with them on a daily basis and no more. Or him being my first anything and everything. You think it is love cause he has filled a void within you, both metaphorically and literally, but sorry ladies it is NOT. Fill your own void(s) first.

I do not want a marriage to rely on a man for my own value, happiness, and to feel loved. I provide that to myself, you all should. You share what you already own with someone who compliments your love and happiness.

I do not want a marriage or man to define me, my worth, or purpose. I define my own. I hate how so many women think they are superior to others only cause they are stapled to a man by law. Little do they know that many of the men feel chained by their own wives be it for a public image or the kids or family and/or financial burden.

I do not want a marriage to display on social media to get likes, congrats,and validations on my beauty! Let me tell you, the best of marriages are those that are kept private. That is true intimacy right there. You know what you have and you keep it between you two, not even sharing your troubles with your families should be accepted when you’re two grown adults. Also, know that when you find yourself eager to know information on the personal matters of others then you probably need urgent help in your own!

I do not want a marriage just because some days I am tired of being alone or long to be held. I am alone often, but never lonely. I prefer being happy alone than settling and being unhappy with someone. It is even better to be alone and sad than in a duo and sad in my opinion- no need to feel “stuck” to someone by force like so many do! In the end, if you are unhappy with your own company you can change yourself- but if it is another person’s presence that makes you unhappy, you cannot change him/her. Plus I have met one too many men that are only physically present in their homes and so emotionally distant from their wives, even when having sex! How appealing is this love just to have someone beside you? Not!

I do not want a marriage simply because I have reached a certain age and for some societies must now be tainted to remain single or believe that “younger is always better”. Love knows no age. In any case, the older you get, the better you love.

I do not want a marriage just to have a man that sustains me financially. I definitely will not let my man pay for all my personal desires and passions even if we are married. I like to be financially independent. He is not a second papa that just adopted me to be fully responsible for my finances!

I do not want a marriage that is for my parents or in laws or even about the kids. I will not take a decision that will determine my lifetime to make someone else happy no matter how much I cherish them. Or to fit into society and be approved by most. It is sad to see so many married couples so emotionally disconnected and live as mere comfortable roommates and no more and claim it is for the child(ren). Years later after the kids have grown and left they are both strangers to one another at heart and soul. I want my marriage to be about my husband and I and no one else. Even after we decide to have a child, I go first, my spouse goes second, our marriage third, and the kid(s) last.
Also, parents that want to be grandparents and rush you into children for their sake simply want to escape their own unhappy marriages or at least need a distraction from working on their own marriage!

I do not want my purpose as a woman to be a mother and merely that. I want to be the individual passionate woman I know I am and the great wife first and foremost.

I do not want a marriage were my husband and I are merely perfect roommates and nothing more! Even when our comfort zone is a lack of love towards one another, disconnection, and misery most days.

I do not want to get married for the idea and sake of marriage. You all need to ask yourselves before you settle for whomever you think you love: how will YOU cement those promises, mean them and act accordingly EVERY DAY until you DIE, when even the simplest of things in life are changing on a consistent basis? The only stagnant thing in life is change itself.

I do not want a marriage where I have a child to guarantee my man will stay, even if it is just physically. The truth is no one ever really belongs to anybody else, at least not entirely. When it comes down to it, even those linking words of attachment a marriage vow entails are truly only as binding as the intent of the speaker following them. And it’s not just the intent on that special day, but each and every CHANGING day from then on. It becomes a DAY IN and OUT commitment.

I do not want to get married just to have sex. Seriously? Good luck to those of you that rush at the height of lust. Soon you will run out of positions and what you had follows.

I do not want a marriage to live in denial and force a love that obviously is not there no matter what we share simply because I have not confronted my self-fears and insecurities. It is sad to see so many women stay with men that do not love them because they fear being alone or having aged and not being able to find someone else!

I do not want to be with a man that is good-looking and rich, these two traits do not satisfy my needs or make me happy or in love. If they come as a bonus on top of what I truly seek then awesome. But them alone, no thank you. I do not need a beautifully wrapped yet empty gift.

It does not suffice that a man loves me. I am not in a marriage to take or domineer like most. Yes, I have a strong character but it is one that is considerate of others and based on true self-love and respect. I treat others how I want to be treated and no less. It is sad that many see marriage as a power struggle. I am in it to give my all, be cut open, and love day in and out.

I do not want a marriage were my husband can walk all over me like I see so many allow for as long as they fake a picture perfect family in public! Your marriage is not about what you show off publicly. I know so many that fake perfect in public with a few sentences and embraces, but go home and are utter strangers as husband and wife.. cannot even have a conversation!

I do not want a marriage that I am only in “for the kids”. I do not want to feel “stuck,” “burdened by responsibilities and duties,” and “dead” in a routine without love or joy like I see so many and then make the excuse of “it is for the kids”!

I do not want to be in a marriage were trust and questioning his love for me is a daily battle like I see so many woman endure. So many women live in denial and delusion. If you have to question your husbands love for you, then yes it is probably not there! Especially when he has cheated on you, particularly if emotionally ,and a few times (and probably will forever without your knowing)! You cannot change someone’s heart. And if the trust is broken, so is your marriage. Even if you convince yourself otherwise.

I do not want to marry a person I would regret wasting my life with later like many claim or ask why I didn’t know better or wait longer. It is no coincidence that every man’s best marriage isn’t his first, but his second! That is if he could break free from the first!

I do not want a marriage where I feel every woman is a threat to my man. I want one where I’d leave all the doors wide open and can leave him around with whomever and know he won’t go astray. Why? Because our love is that strong. Another woman is only ever a threat to a marriage that is already built on ruins, this usually starts and ends with an insecure jealous wife.

I do not want a marriage that will cost me myself, my dignity, my happiness, my rights, or my needs. I do not need a man that doesn’t support my individual rights and freedom, nor give me my space and trust to grow spiritually and emotionally, or tries to change me into “their ideal” partner, or fit me into some previous generation norms!

I do not want a marriage that is mundane and typical. I want mine to be an adventure spent with a lifetime companion. We take over this world! Focused on no one else outside of us (and our families occasionally).

I do not want to be someone that will not remind me my goodness, bring out the best in me, inspire me, and grow with me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I do not want to be with someone that would take me and my presence for granted with time. This happens again when your marriage is not built on a true bond/friendship and love.

I do not want to lower my standards or give up on those I have set for love and relationships, I expect my man to suitor up to my level.

I do not want to get married to have a big jaw dropping ring. Actually, when I turned 18 I made my father buy me a diamond ring with a few decent karats- I married and celebrated myself. I vowed from there on to take care of myself, enjoy and honor my own company, work on my self-improvement everyday, and to become the person I wish to be with for a lifetime. Rings mean nothing. None of the materials no matter how lavish mean anything when it comes to true love.

I do not want to get married to have a grand wedding with the world invited and wear a glamorous white dress. Heck, I won’t even have a big wedding and no one will hear of it but those closest to me. It will be small and intimate.. and far far away. And the white dress will be as simple as possible, that is if it is white even!
Everyone thinks a wedding is once in a lifetime.. well for some it won’t be your first. Here is when I’ll say; people put so much effort, time, and even money in beginnings I believe.. but never in endings. Although everything ends in this life! Think of the amount of rituals, expenses, and ceremonies it takes to get engaged or married for example.. I think we all should place an even greater emphasis on endings, to make them also happy and peaceful- no matter how sad we are- instead of unimportant, denied, full of blame, regret, and resentfulness. It’s the endings that make or break us not the beginnings, they’re easy! But another thought being, even if you stay with your partner and I hope you have one the right one and love to make it last forever, it still won’t be your first and last so no need to make it so extravagant and grand full of acquaintances. Personally, I plan on celebrating a true wedding which means again a small an intimate one every few years. It would be amazing to see couples feel the same love excitement and attraction years after the kids, this is how you know you’re truly in love and in the right marriage- it grows with every child, hardship, experience, and time. Not the other way around.

It’s so heartbreaking for me to see that people marry then they die together. As individuals women are the ones most likely to give up themselves fully thinking that’s love, and also as a couple. Marriage turns into a habitual routine for the children in most cases. They become the highlight of every day. Which is so wrong.

This is when I’d say it’s not divorce that traumatizes children, but it’s their own parents with the way they treat one another and the marriage they raise them in. You can be great parents, but if you’re bad spouses you’ve failed at it all. I find the marriages of today are all chains of the past relationships. We’re just repeating the same void marriages that we claim are for the kids. Let the chain breaking start with you.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m all for fixing marriages and hard work in long-term relationship. But considering so many rushed to marriage for the reasons I do not want to marry above, many today are with the wrong partner settling in misery and even total emotional abuse. Here’s my aforementioned say on this: what if all you’ve been doing is “fixing” without any results?… that you simply end up just dwelling in self-denial cause you’re so afraid of not finding anything/one better… we’re creatures of habit. Misery and self-destruction can be our comfort zones forever. What’s known- even if it’s the worst- is better than the unknown we seem to have convinced ourselves. Remember, in relationships all you can really control and so change is YOURSELF and never your partner. I believe some relationships simply should NOT be fixed. I mean how do you expect your relationship to work when you’re both sailing ships to different harbors? And there will be many tides ahead and you’re not even on the same boat although you’re under one roof! Brings me back to one note: take your time to choose your relationships wisely. Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as being in a relationship with the wrong person.
You want to know what happens when you stay with the wrong person for whatever excuse you claim you’re “stuck” for? Well you end up eating away at your very soul.. until you become someone you despise- even if you never admit it to yourself. Relationships were made for us to grow, not to waste away in denial and misery. The day will come where your time will be up.. and nothings worse and heavier on the heart than knowing you never grew to your fullest and never experienced spending your days with someone that truly loved every part of you, inside out, and unconditionally.

Two quotes I’ll put in reference to this last mentioning:
“If the relationship you’re in takes constant, ongoing acrobatic maneuvers to keep it afloat, then it’s not a relationship; it’s a doomsday project. Relationships, in general, should be easy. If they’re taking a ton of work, a ton of the time, something’s wrong.”
“It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it’s time to let go. At this point, we can choose let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life. Or we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like an emotional cancer. Until we wake up, one day and realize, we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.”

As for those of you that are in healthy loving marriages were you have open communication and emotional and physical intimacy with your partners and it’s not just some business marriage for the kids or whomever else or you’re a wife leaving in denial convincing yourself your husband “loves and respects you” just because you’re the mother of his children when he’s continually cheating on you.. here is my genuine personal advice:-

Women: put your husband’s as your priority. And not your child(ren). To be able to do that you need to be treating yourself in your best way too mentally, emotionally, and physically. This is why I say take care of yourself first, then put your husband second. As for your child(ren), I know you’d feel more secure giving all your attention, focus, time, and affection on a soul, heart and body you brought to life, that you’d be guaranteed true love through the child and you’re doubtful when it comes to your man equating that love- but really, don’t put your child above your husband. You and your marriage will be the one thing they want to escape. Don’t let the kids become distractions from your spouse and marriage.

Invest your time, make your husband and your marriage a priority. Only then can you not worry about your kids raising.

Date your husband. And husband’s date your wife.

Oh dear women, this is something you should know: men seek no more than being loved and to love as well. I thought it’s women that crave love most, but turns out I’m wrong. Women want a whole package and everything dramatically eye catching for the masses to notice, applaud, and then maybe even feel worse about their own lives and marriages. Men are private. They just want you to love them for who they are and not their paychecks or whatever else is superficial, to respect and honor them and their manhood (you need to remind them of their manhood indirectly too), give them some physical pleasure, and provide them with affection just like you would give your baby.

May you all be blessed!

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