As someone who took an overnight decision to change to a polar opposite of the life I lead (which became who I was then) after one incident back in 2009 that left me clinically dead, I chose to believe that anyone can change if you help them to. I believed that I should try to bring out the good in others even if it is not obvious or present. But apparently, I was right when I was younger to claim that some people really never change. I discovered it is not because they do not know any better or it is genetic character traits like I thought before, but because they are busy living in denial, consumed by their fears, and lack self-love, respect, and value. Their comfort has become their own annihilation. It is quite astonishing how I can tell these people even just from their faces; they age worse; the lines on their faces show wrinkles of bitter anger and misery, their eyes mirror empty and/or lost souls (yes even as elderly parents they are still lost), they react to others out of the hate they have fostered towards themselves within or they are so in despair that they have been long dead and living in silence, they are irresponsible always playing victims…how sad. Now the biggest lesson: Do not try to help them.
I found out the hard way some were made to live this life spiritually dead and pointing fingers out for a pity party. The only thing you will accomplish by trying to help them is being energy drained to the extent you begin to become like them!
Most people feed off of one another’s emotional energy. It is human. Yet, some people only take and never give. Others can take your positivism and leave you with their burdens. Conserve your energy so you’d be able to free yourself from that person and use it to renew yourself instead. Stop victimizing yourself (easier said than done!) and just walk far away. It will add years to your life: perhaps enough years to either become happy with your own company, or to find someone who loves you without killing you for the price of their love.
It took me a long long time to learn that I am not here to fix people after years of thinking it is my purpose. I cannot save them from themselves. I cannot teach the women that love to bring other women down to love and value themselves so they would feel better in their own skin. I certainly cannot teach miserable emotionally distant husbands to love their wives that they wish they would break free from and cannot due to losing their child(ren). I cannot teach those that do not belong to one another but are tied by law how to open up to one another and communicate and foster a love that never was or will be there. I cannot teach people to accept what they cannot confront and have denied all their lives. I cannot ask them to face their truths when they have become compulsive liars to the extent they believe and live their owns lies. I cannot save people from suffering, or hand them a manual to not make my mistakes so as not to endure the same pains. I cannot I cannot…
But above all, know that not because someone asks for help then they want to change! Some people ask and have no intentions of changing to the healthier and better. They simply want to burden another, involve them in their issues, use them as an escape, or even to blame them for their problems and ruins that are all self-created.
I was afflicted with a few crazy incidents in order for me to know that I need to stay away from certain people, in particular immature women in despair. From my experience, I saw for fact that some of the people that appear to be overly “innocent” and “kind,” can have the blackest of hearts, especially if they are women. They are malicious. It is hard to find wicked men, but a woman, particularly one without self-esteem, when she envy’s another.. it is deadly the extreme she would go to just to feel better about herself, yes even she is already a mother. Really sad and it will never gain them any sense of self or true value anyways.
But like aforementioned, it is not my job or yours to fix anyone, save them, or take care of them even, especially not when they cannot do it for themselves. It is not your job to insist on finding a good in them or change them to the better! The only thing you can and should do is offer them kindness and encouragement. The rest is in their hands.
Miserable people love company, especially false company through bringing others down. Offer them the right energy, but then walk away. The turmoil they are enduring is within themselves.
For those you are very close to, you can only love them. Of course when you love, you care, but do not let that be an excuse to carry their burdens and mistakes and waste your energy trying to change them to the better or forget someone more important: yourself!
Also, when you find yourself constantly doubting and wondering where you stand in someone’s life, it is time to start walking and move far away no matter how much you love them. The one person you are so codependent on can be the reason to all your pains, self-issues, and misery.
When all you do is give, you reach a point where you are out of balance- particularly when so many take and not only leave you with nothing but with negativity too- so be wary! Remember to put yourself; your health and sanity first in such situations. We humans can easily lose ourselves in others.
I have always taken care of others and placed myself second “when I can”. One thing I have lived with growing up (before cutting out many toxic people from my life) is the occasional disappointment and of course up till now the continual restlessness– but I dealt with those sentiments knowing that it is a CHOICE I selflessly make and not a burden.
Today, I do not put anyone ahead, but I admit I equate the wellbeing and happiness of some I cherish to my own. I pick my love much more wisely too. I live off of giving without the consideration of ever asking for anything back. I also do believe some of us were made stronger than the majority, striving off of self-discipline, compassion, and true faith (NOT religion) and therefore, able to bear our own sufferings and the weight of a number of others. That strength should never be taken for granted or focused entirely on oneself when you could be changing LIVES to the better. If you do not have a definite strong and confident SELF you cannot truly impact, add to, or mend the life of others. So, if you haven’t fulfilled esteem, respect, and love towards YOURSELF primarily work on that first and foremost.
Just remember, at the end of every day, people only truly care about themselves and it is one’s own responsibility to cater to his/her own needs and no one else’s. So, if you are taking care of others only because you are expecting them to return the same gifts, do not! Put yourself first! Learn for fact that people will treat you the way you LET them, it is an issue of allowance of conduct. Thus, one must be strong enough, and firm in character to stipulate the better for his/her own good. Do not put others needs before your own, particularly when it is not in your best interest. You are the sole company you keep, forever.
As a recovering over-giver.. I now begin to see things in a different light. Living by words such as Mother Tersea’s, “Give until it hurts” is no longer a preaching or practice of mine. The lesson I have been enlightened with:
Giving people more of yourself and/or possessions when they are not emotionally capable of comprehending and receiving those givings will leave them with no other option but to hate you.
I am who I today, a great young woman with character and strength, because I went through all my sufferings and hardships ALONE. Not one support. I was my own helping hand at all times and worst of moments. But there I was over-giving.. thinking that I should be the person I wish was there for me growing up for guidance to others, spare them the sufferings, make them not repeat my mistakes and do better.. but now I see, when you try to help in every way that is not spirituality… why? You are disrupting the natural course of their learning. You are editing their destiny. That’s not for us to do, it is for forces much greater.
Certainly, those that are not ready can never be capable to receive any help. They can only resent you in envy and bitterness for giving them more than they could handle, even if it is aid to help themselves. Likewise with those that do not believe they can change or help themselves. You can only harm yourself in the process of trying to help them no matter how much you give and how well your intentions and actions.
As a wise friend of mine has told me: “If you are truly spiritual or even aspiring to be one you surely must know to let people follow their Dharma so that their wheel of life moves on. By ‘helping’ you could obstruct a spiritual process much larger than you. Who could help you while you were growing up facing these problems? No one, you helped yourself. Now we are talking true spirituality!”
Do not get me wrong, I will always give. But I will keep it reserved and controlled above all else.
Today I can only pity people that are living miserable lives, roaming through life like dead souls, for whatever their invalid reasons maybe. I no longer help others further than leading a life of my preachings, I lead by example. Other than that, I do not personally advise or interfere anymore even if I’m asked to. I can only feel sorry for such people at how they can never experience freedom, true love, embrace their true selves and really live life alive like I do! It is such shame, they really do not know what they are missing out on. And even greater shame that they are become their own greatest enemies in life within.
We all have an ethical obligation to other beings but the principal obligation is to yourself.
Pretty much everyone in your life is more or less replaceable, except YOU! So be your best of friend and most favorite companion 😉