Trust, Cheating, Forgiveness & Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Many people ask me if they should “trust” their beloved’s so easily and how can it be done in world with many vile people… a few things to say, at a start of a relationship trust is a must of course and it is no challenge since it comes naturally with “fresh” love. But what happens when you’ve been let down, lied to, cheated on and/or deceived? Well, if you choose to stay in the relationship you still must learn to fully trust your partner, for if there is no trust, there is no relationship!

Firstly, if you go in a relationship thinking “but he’s bound to cheat, there are many beautiful women out there that approach him…” from the start, I assure you he will cheat because in all essence you’re just proving your insecurity that will sooner or later reflect in or may even be the reason that pushes him! A lack of self-esteem is not an attractive thing a man can commit to! And even if it doesn’t happen in action on his end, you will obsess about it and your mind will make it happen in your realm within, you will never end up in a happy healthy relationship with your constant questionings and nagging, he will eventually stray. Men do not like drama (like myself haha).
Let me remind you all, the whole point behind trust is handing your heart to someone you hope will treat it well and not break it. There are no guarantees with trust! People change, things happen, and life gets in the way so you can’t know all the answers. Trust is a risk but in the end the experience will be worth it and it can last forever or not as long as you thought or expected. You can pretty much replace the word “trust” in the sentence above with “love” as well since the same applies. You take the leap, try your hardest, be your true self, and hope for the best. That is why you must be wise about who you give your heart to and so trust to.
Keep in mind of course, we’re all humans, we were made to be mistaken and we disappoint even ourselves at points. What matters is CHANGE in both making the decision to change, following that with a course of action, and being honest about whether or not changes have taken place permanently from there on. However, some disappointments and wrongs should NOT be forgiven I believe, will explain that later on.

Should you trust again after it has been broken? It depends on the reason WHY your man/woman has lied to, cheated on, and/or betrayed you to begin with. In reality here, there are people who reject to see the signs and let the other go when he evidently wants to leave. That is because evidently their love for their partner is outweighed by their need for them, which means there are issues in oneSELF to address. So they choose the easy way out for many, that is living in denial. Because people have homes, kids, an image to keep up, and all sorts of things they built together- in a sense one partner feels stuck. Commitment becomes a responsibility they no longer have a choice over, it becomes a mere more to utter when relating it to being a responsible parent only. Sometimes, just sometimes, their beloved will see cheating as the only escape. That doesn’t make them bad people or denote that they shall forever be cheaters though, again depends on the reason they cheated in the first place. What is for fact though, is that a cheater is a liar, and liars cannot be trusted.
So if you want to still work things out with your partner, ask yourself if you can truly fix the root issue that lead your his/her actions? For example, if he/she simply no longer love you and/or you’ve grown apart, why stick with someone that’s unworthy of your love? You cannot force feelings in the other, you can only be the best version of you and someone worthy of love and the rest is up to the other person entirely. Remember, you cannot keep what wants to go. You can only love what you have while you got it. Don’t forcefully harvest what never did or can no longer exist- you’re dooming your future for good! Your destiny is never tied to those that wish to part you. My advice would be to let go of what wants to be no longer yours and soar!

The other aspect other than addressing the root of your partner’s issue is well, YOU! This is particularly directed to women. Their partner cheating takes an immense toll on their self-esteem and value. As a woman, being betrayed immediately leaves them questioning their goodness and comparing themselves even more, especially if she knows the other woman he’s cheated on her with; the wife begins to imitate her in whatever way she can, for in her eyes, his cheating means she’s failed as a wife and the other woman must be someone better. Yes, true, it takes two to make a relationship and the same two to break it, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you as a person/woman. Maybe you’ve neglected yourself, your partner/husband, and/or aspects in your relationship over the years, but still, do not question your goodness and do not ever define it through your man or his actions!

So ask yourselves, if you have been betrayed and cheated on, can you truly heal yourself within to not reopen the wounds later? Because you will still face many hardships to come and you cannot be the one reopening the past, that is the path to a halted conflicting relationship.

In conclusion, if you choose forgiveness you need to do it right and acknowledge, face, and deal with the damages that have been done to YOU although you weren’t the one who did the deceiving. You need to gain your true sense of self and worth, which you should have not lost in the process of your relationship to begin with! This is another vital point, never be with someone that asks you to change who you ARE, they should love you for that exact reason. Sacrifices are necessary especially at the beginning of a relationship. They usually entails a feeling of deprivation, some sort of loss and/or pain, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. In many instances, you give up a habit, a thing, or even someone for a greater latter. Love is the equivalent to sacrifice for many; that one must forfeit at his/her own cost sometimes… it shouldn’t be seen as such. Naturally, sacrificing involves hurt, however it does not have to be so in this case, for how much pain the sacrifice causes depends on how much we amount it to begin with, measured up to how much we value and cherish the one we love. BUT when I say this, the one thing you should never have to sacrifice is YOURSELF. If you find yourself loosing your sense of self, character, passions, values, and/or essence in a relationship- WALK OUT OF IT AND AWAY! You should never have to sacrifice your identity, heart or dignity and settle with someone simply because you do not want to hurt her/him (even if she/he claims to supposedly love you). Love is not self-serving, but the total opposite.

Another note on forgiveness: remember, you are doing it for your sake. It is not telling him/her that what they did is okay but simply that you are willing to take clean start and move on. Even if you leave your partner you need to forgive so you’d be able to open up and love again. If you choose to be with the same man, you cannot live in the fear of him repeating the mistake. Now it makes sense to let your partner go if you know he is emotionally distant from you and/or no longer loves you, because you will always live in fear of him straying! For as long as he’s unhappy, he will stray. And for as long as he is unhappy, you will be unhappy. As partners/spouses your happiness should be interdependent and not separate. Even if you’re not that connected and in love for one’s happiness to come before the other’s- living under the same roof means that person affects you for they become the shapers of your environment even during your time alone.

I must add that I generally don’t believe in “once a cheater always a cheater”. But I do believe once you cheat on a person its easier to do it again to THAT same person! Especially if they know their partner will be all forgiving out of love and letting them walk all over them because they are scared of being alone! I think there’s a limit to forgiveness. It doesn’t matter the years you’ve shared, the love you had/have, the home you’ve built, or the children you’ve reared. Those are the exact reasons why you should NOT forgive! There should be no disappointments, let alone lies and betrayals? I don’t care if your partner regrets or cries his heart out. I wish some women realized they’re better off on their own. My message here is: complete yourself before you settle down and end up living your life abused just because you’re scared of loneliness!

A last topic to discuss here, abuse in a relationship, primarily emotional.
The amount of abuse we tolerate in a partner is parallel to the amount of abuse we pile on ourselves. If a woman is used to telling and viewing herself as ugly/fat, that she is a failure or she isn’t beautiful or good enough, or that she’s not capable of performing or being happy and feeling valued in in the world without someone holding her hand, then she’ll accept any abuse. She’ll even feel most comfortable with a man who reinforces these beliefs of herself.
Same applies to men. Don’t think that women can’t manipulate you and use your OWN children and parents against you to get what they want! When a woman wants something or someone one- she’d go to extremes to keep him! Women are malicious. Especially those without self-esteem and define their lives solely through their man. They’ll force you to stay out of their own lack of self-respect and self-love. And if you as a man think you do not deserve your dignity and happiness, your own family will treat you according to your beliefs! Sadly, many women today love for their own self-void and personal gains. And just because the majority are mothers, doesn’t make them pure at heart either!
This a blueprint for life, what you feel towards yourself and how you treat, view, and value yourself sets the standards for others. Even those that claim to love you most or are related to you by blood will manipulate you in whatever ways especially if it means it enhances their happiness or whatever/whomever they think they need in life! Marriages today aren’t simply for the sake of loving another, bringing out the best in and growing with each other or having healthy sincerely happy homes, they’ve become business arrangements for many sadly that only care to portray a family portrait with fake smiles to please the public! They’ve become home establishments that strip a spouse or the other of their own human dignities.

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